Of the great debates of mankind, there stands one above the rest. Nature vs. Nurture? Sure, if you like to watch the grass grow. Evolution/Creation? Paint drying!
I'm talking about the supreme dominance of own way of life over another--of one epistemological system over another. Can one set of beings be "better" than another?
Shame to those who are ignorant of this age-old debate! I shall enlighten you!
Pirates vs. Ninjas vs. Robots (and sometimes vs. Clowns et al)
Through the course of scientific inquiry, mass-scale field experiements, devout prayer, and just plain common sense, the answer we all knew in our heart of hearts has been unearthed.
Pirates - Last Men Standing! 
In this installment I shall weigh the greatness of the two groups with the greatest following and show by infallible logic that PIRATES stand far above Ninjas in the evolutionary ladder of super cool.
Before we begin, I believe it's a good idea for everyone to read http://www.realultimatepower.net/ . It's a good introduction to ninjas. Everybody already knows about pirates.
Now, onto the comparison!
OUTLOOK ON LIFE
-The Ninja lives their life as a shadow. They value things such as complete silence, darkness, and swords that take way too long to manufacture. They are chained to the will of their feudal lord, doing his bidding like a willing geisha. If they are the rare breed of ninja, the rogue ninja, they value things such as not getting killed by other ninjas. All ninjas share the common goal of self-discipline.
-Pirates couldn't be more different! They live for the spotlight! When tales are told by salty old dogs in the port tavern, the pirate is elated! When the local admiral complains that all of his gold and supplies were pillaged by buccaneers, the pirate is overjoyed! When the foppish prince complains that his lady has been bedded by a dashing young swashbuckler, the pirate couldn't be more sated! They know no authority, they sail where they please, and the exhibit a brash disrespect for self-discipline. Nobody flips out more than an angry pirate!
Its clear that pirates are not only more exciting and daring than ninjas, but that they are indeed more suited for a position of exaltation. Ninjas thrive on their anonymity and pirates do the opposite. It is only proper to sing the praises of those that are willing to be praised!
HISTORY
-While most of ninja history was kept secret because they are ashamed of themselves and would rather let the imagination of history artificially inflate their power, the first recorded instance of ninjas was in 1338. The ninjas were discovered before a planned raid was even carried out and they are slaughtered to a man. Quite telling.
-Pirates have been the pimps of the seven seas ever since a couple of pieces of wood were first lashed together and tossed in the ocean. Mentioned by Plutarch and present in Homer's Iliad and Odyssey, piracy has a long and storied past. For over 3000 years pirates have been purging and pillaging. Unlike ninjas, pirates know no cultural boundaries. They represent in every culture in like...the entire world!
In terms of the vastness of human history, few groups of men cross cultures as easily as the pirate. They are unashamed of their deeds and therefore the history of piracy is rich. Ninjas are ashamed of their doings, otherwise why would they keep themselves secret? The pirate has nothing to hide, so their history is therefore not only greater, but vastly superior.
PURPOSE
-The ninja life is simple-do what they are told. There are so few solo ninjas in the course of history that they are considered an exception to the rule. Most of the ninja instructions are to flip out and kill something, steal ancient artifacts, or kidnap royalty. This makes the ninja completely one-dimensional, a pawn of another man.
-The pirate knows no master except for his own wanderlust and desire for booty (both pecuniary and flesh-based). His purpose is to pillage and rape. Generally it is the life of an oceanic hedonist. This leads the pirate to pursue whatever his fancy be, whether its the buried treasure or learning watercolors
It couldn't be clearer which is "better" in this situation. The hedonistic drive of the pirate can lead to greater and more varied accomplishments. A free spirit allows purpose to grown and thrive. The poor ninja is enslaved to his skillset and profession, his purpose limited to the whims of others. He is no better than the tool of another man. In short: a tool.
BATTLE CRY
-The ninja exists in silence upon silence, a layered absence of sound.
-The pirate has any number of exclamations to utter, all of which are fun either in or out of context. A small sampling for you to try yourself: "Arrrrrr!" (or "Yarrr!" or even "Gaaarrr" depending on your Pirethnicity), "Avast!", "Land, ho!", "Wench, ho!"
This category isn't even really a contest, since the ninja is so boring.
ENVIRONMENT
-Ninjas wrap themselves in darkness...their souls, their minds, their bodies, and their code. The only time a ninja is not consumed with darkness is when they are hangin' out with the boys back at the temple, training and eating rice. Once again, a lonely, solitary environment marked by occasional bouts of fraternal boredom. Most of the time they are sneaking through vents, scurrying along steep rooftops, or breathing through a hollowed reed while submerged in a moat for hours.
-Pirates enjoy everything the world has to offer. The great vistas of the earth are open to the Pirate. Port towns are some of the most amazing and exciting places--from dingy barrooms to enticing brothels. A swashbuckler takes geography as his passion, his home range the seven seas. The environment is their environment.
A Pirate is master of their world. They travel from port to port in search of gold, they lavish their calloused feet on the shores of distant beaches, and they relax in the arms of exotic women (or men in the case of ladypirates). It is clear that this is more varied, luxurious, and desirable than the environment of the Ninja.
DIET
-The aforementioned rice and green tea make up the primary diet of the ninja. The only "desert" they get are small doses of poison meant to build up an eventual immunity.
-Pirates consume massive amounts of fish, salty tack, and of course flagons upon flagons of rum. That is, however, when they are at sea. When they dock, pirates diet quickly becomes international cuisine. From ambrosia to filet mignon, the pirate's stomach is as full of golden bits as his coffers are after a tour at sea.
You can't possibly argue that poison and green tea are better than flagons of rum nor could you argue that a humble bowl of rice is better than roasted lamb leg.
MODUS OPERANDI
-Ninjas are all about silent killing. That's what they do. Single, solitary, silent killing. If anything comes in the way of their kill or gives away their position, their M.O. is kaput and seppuku it is.
-Pirate methodology is an inexact science. Planks, crows-nests, cannonballs...they all allow for a large margin of error. Pirates, unlike ninjas, are all about the team. You can't board a ship without your shipmates; you can't sail the seven seas without a buddy to hoist the mainsail, a ne'er-do-well to swab the poop deck, and a peg-legged compatriot to fetch you a cannonball. Individual pirates, while famous, for the most part operate within the parameters of a group structure.
If the yelp of a helpless guard carries across the courtyard in the still of the night, then they have failed. If the deathblow turns into a maimblow and they have to put down a flashbomb and escape, they have failed. If they forgot to wash their all-black clothes and have to don their white ones for an evening of assassination, they have failed. Blade not sharpened enough? Didn't apply the primer, first coat, and second coat of poison to that arrow? Didn't account for the crosswind when you through that star? Failed. Ninjas have no room for error. And the price for error is either ritual suicide or beheading at the whim of your captors. Pirates never really do things exactly. That's why they use cannonballs, torches, and eachother. Part of the pirate code is quid pro quo...necessary for surviving a life at sea. Pirates are willing and able to work within a group to cover their bases and strengthen themselves with the contributions of others. Since Ninjas never fully understand this concept, they are much more susceptible to failue--and thus their Modus Operandi is flawed.
WEAPONRY
-The ninja is almost nothing without the much touted arsenal they have at their disposal. They draw their strength from the katana, sai, nunchucks, bow and arrow, ninja stars, blowgun, and countless others. Ninja weapons are notoriously masterful in their construction and extremely well maintained to provide the mortal wound.
-Pirates are simpler folk: they've got one big weapon (the cannon), two smaller weapons (the cultass and dagger), one ranged weapon (the single- or dual-shot pistol), a pillaging accelerant (torch), and their ace-up-the-sleeve that ends fights before they even begin (their rep, which instills fear). Each pirate usually carries no more than two of the above at any one time.
The ninja is almost nothing without their weaponry. That's a lot of gear that needs to be maintained...especially to the level the anal-retentive ninja demands. While the pirate is out enjoying life, the ninja is at home sharpening things or whittling himself an arrow. Doesn't really matter if the pirate maintains their weapons. In fact, you'd never find a true pirate that does. So the rusty cannon explodes? Fetch some more crew in port. So the cutlass is dull? The pirate then uses it more like a club. So the pistol backfires? Pegleg that arm! A torch always works. And fear is priceless--it never is out of style and it trumps all the rest. Pirates win.
FASHION
-Ninjas are pretty much New York chic in their color choice-black (tailored to be completely silent and covering their face). Rarely...only rarely...will you see monochrome colors other than black, and that's for inter-clan rumbles that the public is not really allowed to see.
-Pirates wear pretty much wears whatever the junk they want to. A trademark hat or bandana, colorful shirts, the occasional eyepatch, earrings, and tattoos are all part of the pirate flair. They draw their fashion from many parts of the world.
Nothing says fashion boredom like one-color outfits. By tasting the couture of the world, the pirate is able to concoct a fusion wardrobe that is not only at the bleeding edge of the fashion industry, but also defiantly screams to the world: "I am pirate! I do whatever I please!" Its this sort of reckless abandon and risk-taking fashion behavior that puts the pirate well above the "Plain Jane" style of the ninja.
ACCESSORIES
-Accessorizing a ninja means adding more items to their toolbelt. Situational equipment (caltrops, rope, flashpowder, and poison) rounds out the ninja inventory. Granted, some of this stuff is pretty cool, until you see what the pirate accessorizes with.
-Pirate accessories fall into two categories, the Ps and the hook. Peglegs are a pirate mainstay, and the butt of many a joke. But they are really a badge of honor, of surviving the hard-living of a life at sea. It could mean surviving a cannonblast from the Royal Navy or the cutlass swipe of some wench's jealous lover. The same can be said of the hook! The other P is parrot--the colorful and loquacious shoulder partner.
This category was tougher to call than most. Flashpowder is pretty darn cool. However, the full weight of the awesomeitude of the two Ps cannot be denied. While the ninja is adding more equpment that needs to be purchased or manufactured and definitely maintained, the Pirate becomes "bionic" (or as close to it as pirate technology is concerned) with a pegleg and adds a companion that can act as sentry, scout, and comedy relief ("Ninja want a smackdown?"). If a ninja's leg was severed, he'd be killed like a racehorse that was somehow injured...the pirate grins and bears it and hobbles his way around the world!
UNDERLINGS
-Oh, there are a whole slew of underlings on the ninja side of things. Piles upon piles of them are left in the wake of Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jet Li, Jackie Chan, Bruce Lee, and just about every other famous martial arts actor.
-There are no lesser pirates, only greater ones! The closest you come to a lesser pirate is a deckswabber...and that duty is only regulated to the passengers who are not truly pirates but are either captured-and-not-immediately-killed or tied a knot incorrectly in the rigging. Even deckswabbers are living the life of adventure at sea!
Underling ninjas are some of the stupidest movie badguys around, attacking the protagonist in groups of only one or two from the same direction--allowing them all to be slaughtered with the greatest of ease. For this tactical idiocy alone we can check yet another in the pirate column! 
COMPANIONSHIP
-Unconfirmed rumors have linked one or two ninjas with the services of a geisha. One or two in the entier history of ninjas pretty much substantiates the claim that part of this secret ninja code involves not makin' it with the ladies. So the ninja turns inward for their companionship.
-Pirates couldn't lie at a more opposite end of the spectrum. Pirates are all about "knockin' pegs". Gorgeous women from all over the place have found there way into the pirates arms. From the daughters of princes to the diamond-in-the-rough local barmaid to mermaids, pirates have wooed women with wine and song and impressive muscles since time immemorial.
Even with the (true most likely) rumors of pirates getting cozy with eachother in a pinch, this category clearly goes to pirates. They know romance, they know passionate lust, and they are the greatest lovers this world has to offer. Yaaaarrrrr!
OTHER ENEMIES
-The ninja typically faces off against the Royal Guard, Jet Li-types, and ninjas from other clans.
-Pirates usually fight against the Royal Navy, seamonsters, and dead pirates like Geoffrey Rush.
This was another hard category to decide. In order to award a victory here, you have to look at the dual nature the enemies themselves. For ninjas and pirates, fighting imperial/royal troops is a good thing. Its in their nature. This might be one of the few places where the N/P sides can agree. Jet Li-types are hostile opponents, documented in taking out hundreds of ninjas at a time. This makes it a minus for the ninja column (enemy too tough to overcome). The ninja-infighting is where pirates get the win. Pirates fighting dead pirates is not synonymous with ninjas fighting other human ninjas. The schism that exists in the ninja community is both tragic and damning to the ninja cause. There is no schism in the pirate community, as being undead pushes you outside of the social group. Imagine if you will two powerful pirates who are seeking fame and fortune along the same coast. They might skirmish eachother for wealth, but if an undead pirate comes into the mix the two pirates will forgive and forget and fight together versus the supernatural. Oh, and battling seamonsters is just downright cool.
METHOD OF AUTOCIDE
-The traditional form of offing oneself if one is a ninja is Seppuku/Hara kiri, the ritualistic splitting of the abdomen with a knife or sword. It is not a quick death and is considered self-inflicted punishment for failure.
-The only way a pirate is going to intentionally (well almost) commit autocide is to die from the effects of excessive rum intake.
There's a clear winner here. One is extremely painful and long lasting--the shameful fruit of the tree of lifelong failure. The other is like slipping into a quiet dream after a long night of revelry and fun.
WEAKNESSES
-Despite all of the ninja's training, the one thing they cannot get away from is loneliness.
-Pirates are susceptible to scurvy (yaaarrr!) and STDs gained while at port.
Once again, the pirate comes on strong. Scurvy is easily cured by gathering a few oranges here and there and STDs, well, that'll never be cured, but at least its better than loneliness. The solitary lifestyle of the ninja, the lack of companionship, and their modus operandi itself all push the ninja to extreme loneliness and even deeper into clinical depression, inactivity, inertia, and eventually death.
MANO E MANO BATTLE
Now for the main event.
-Battle will clearly take place on a ship in port, for it is the only time when the territories of the ninjas and pirates eintersect Ninjas, while fast, have never been documented in stopping bullets. Pirates, while slow and perhaps with only one eye, can still aim well enough to shoot a ninja.
-The pirate's flowing clothing presents a problem for the Ninja's pinpoint deathblows by masking the anatomy and presenting an amorphous target space, reducing to nothing the one advantage that the ninja possibly had (the quick strike) .
-A pirate's brute strength (gathered from months pulling on rope, lifting flagons, and toting cannonballs) translates into a confusing "Drunken Seaman" style that Ninjas are unfamiliar with and therefore easily fall prey to. Ninjas do not fight well against a random mixture of styles, as they are used to training against martial arts masters who adhere strictly to established style orthodoxy.
-Ninjas are accustomed to catching projectiles and breaking them over their knees, splitting arrows and the like. They will reflexively attempt to catch a bullet or a cannonball and it will have disastrous consequences on their chances at winning the fight.
-Pirate swords are very rusty and sometimes even barnacle encrusted. On nick from a sword can easily cause infection and later death.
-Pirates are used to discerning small pieces of land on the vast horizon and searching for buried treasure. The Ninja's stealth is useless against the Pirate.
-Finally, ninjas are used to fighting on land and would be unable to adjust their delicate balance without sea legs. Their fighting style would become useless and their chi would be misaligned. A pirate's legs (or leg if you are talking about a pirate with a peg leg) would become their greatest strength in battle
Oh poor ninja. It might be time for you to hang up your nunchucks and buy an eyepatch.
THE COURSE OF WAR
Ninjas have neither the means to attack pirates or will they be ordered to by their warlords/masters. Pirates attack at will, without mercy, and with big cannonballs. They are much better funded than the humble ninja, who's possession is his sword and training. War is usually decided by who has control over the most resources, and that is clearly pirates. War is secondarily decided by individual battles and skirmishes. As proved above, a pirate will win his one-on-one battle...and according to the documented proof of the "UNDERLINGS" section, each pirate is good to kill at least twenty ninjas. Since there are many more pirates in this world, the war is no contest.
FAMOUS INDIVIDUALS THROUGHOUT HISTORY
-Famous ninjas include Batman and Shinobi (both great icons). Others in the celebrity ninja club are Surf Ninjas, Beverly Hills Ninja, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
-Famous Pirates of note are the Dread Pirate Roberts, Captain Morgan, the Ice Pirates, the Pirates of Penzance, Pirates of Silicon Valley, Blackbeard, and Captain Hook.
Of all the ninjas only two are good. The rest clearly denegrate ninjas to a cheezy archetype. Pirates have a long and glorious past, only marred by the Pirates of Penzance (foppish and from a musical) and Captain Hook (Afraid of a stinkin crocodile? Clearly a ninja in pirate costume.) A final win for the pirate.
SUMMARY
It is without question that pirates like totally RULE over ninjas. 18 categories for the pirate. 0 for the ninja. With flawless logic I have settled this portion of the age old debate.
Please stay tuned for the next two installments:
Piratical Dominance Chapter II: Nuts and Bolts-Robots Are Screwed.
Piratical Dominance Chapter III: Clowns-Not Smiling Anymore.
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