Rest In Peace

Four million three-hundred twenty-one thousand. If you subtract around twenty-three thousand from that you have signed your own death warrant.

Or so the Death Dealers of Domino Day (see post) would have us believe.

On the fateful day in question only about 200,000 dominoes were left standing. The great wave had nearly made its way around the stadium. But from the crowd one lone figure rose against Goliath. With a small beak and high metabolism, our David lashed out in desparation and felled (only a few parts of) the Philistine's army (still a moral victory).

Lest you think I'm obsessed with white pock-marks on black plastic...this is a song of woeful mourning. Spokesman Jeroen van Waardenberg (who has entirely too many vowels in his name) said organizers made a "split-second" decision to shoot down the bird. "That bird was flying around and knocking over a lot of dominoes. More than 100 people from 12 countries had worked for more than a month setting them up," he said.

Geert the bird. Shot at a ripe young age after inadvertantly stumbling his way into a massive endeavor beyond his comprehension. What course of action could you have as a bird but to go completely psycho and start knocking down everything in sight?

Hearing the depressing news of another domino-related "statistic", I immediately held a seance. Geert chirped to me the great mysteries of life as revealed to him post-avicide. As the small and feathered apparition floated towards me--it spaketh.

Here it is the truth as revealed to me.

BIG BIRD IS NOT A BIRD AT ALL. HE IS A SERIES OF DWARVES STANDING UPONST EACHOTHER INSIDE A COSTUME MADE IN CHINA.

ALL UNKNOWN MEATS TASTE LIKE CHICKEN BECAUSE THE DUCKS HAVE ADVANCED BEYOND YOUR COMPREHENSION IN THE FIELDS OF GENETICS AND CHEMISTRY.

ALL WOODPECKERS ENJOY HEAVY METAL MUSIC.

SEAGULLS AND PIGEONS TARGET YOU NOT BECAUSE IT GIVES THEM SOME SADISTIC SATISFACTION, BUT BECAUSE THEIR EXCREMENT MAKES YOUR HAIR HEALTHIER. PANTENE PRO-V IS MADE MOSTLY OF WASTE COLLECTED OFF OF OLD STATUES IN LONDON.

ON THE GROUND, BIRDS CAN RUN FASTER THAN CHEETAHS. WE JUST CHOOSE NOT TO.

THE PENGUIN HAS BEEN SHUNNED BY THE BIRD SPECIES BECAUSE IT ALWAYS DRESSES FUNNY.

ONE OF THE GREAT CONTINGENCIES OF THE MASTER DEFENSE PLAN OF THE KINGDOM OF BIRDS IS: IF DOMINO ORGANIZERS ARE GOING TO START CARRYING GUNS, WE ARE TO ARM OUR CLAWS/TALONS WITH DOG POO. IT ISN'T GOOD FOR YOUR HAIR AND IT IS INFINITELY MORE PRECISE.

Immediately after the seance ended, I drove to the store and bought an umbrella-hat. I suggest you do the same. They are coming with fire in their eyes and burning vengeance in their heart. Oh yes, they are coming.