The Bearded One

Chuck Norris "Trailer".

Just passing it along.

Department of Dumbland Security

Ignignokt: Using a key to gouge expletives on another's vehicle is a sign of trust and friendship.

Boston Police Commissioner Edward Davis called it "unconscionable" that the marketing campaign was executed in a post 9/11 era. "It's a foolish prank on the part of Turner Broadcasting," he said. "In the environment nowadays ... we really have to look at the motivation of the company here and why this happened."

"These devices looked like a bomb."

This is what we sow when we have terror warnings and "what ifs" every night on the news. This is what constant talk of "terrorism" in our midst brings us--fearful paralysis and a lack of imagination. This is what happens when our president doesn't talk about Katrina in the state of the union and focuses entirely on fighting terrorism.

This is a real fake bomb.

READER! WATCH OUT FOR THESE NEAR BOMBS!
(trust me, they were like sooo close to getting them--
of course they could be made into "dirty bombs"...
do I have proof? Um... I blame nameless analyst #47312344)

SADDAM'S ALUMINUM TUBES

YELLOW CAKE FROM AFRICA!
This, also, is not a bomb--it is Lite-Brite.

I think he meant to say..."Tha Bomb"

It reminds me of this, somehow.

I'm rubber and you're...

anthropomorphism: n. Attribution of human motivation, characteristics, or behavior to inanimate objects, animals, or natural phenomena.

Amidst this country's most ridiculous national infatuation, the harrowing tale of a "true champion" and "born fighter" named Barbaro has finally come to an end. Just hours before I was going to make an attempt on his life for unnecessarily dominating news stories for months because every little girl likes horsies.

Just take a critical read of the following story from CNN.com. Then please explain to me how it can possibly be considered the top story ahead of "Bush warns Iran not to escalate activities in Iraq". Well, at least it should be ahead of other ridiculous headlines (also on the front page): "Wife, 65, fought cougar with log", "Cats lose visiting rights at women's prison", and "Shot, refridgerated 2 days but duck kept living". I kid you not. Equal footing with "US: Israel may have misused cluster bombs".

Speaking of my favorite president (I use the term "favorite" as a lie), did it concern anyone else that there was not one mention of the hurricane-ravaged Gulf Coast area in the State of the Union address? I've spent a great deal of time considering that and what it means for his priorities--I'll let you draw your own conclusions about it. If ANYONE can tell me one major thing he hasn't blundered during his presidency, I'd be happy to hear it!

Gotta love YouTube...check out a poorly produced, but wonderful video here--a little bit country, but good.

But enough seriousness, I give you the epic story of the greatest American hero!

THE LONG AWAITED BARBARO STORY!!!! (used without permission to reprint!)

KENNETT SQUARE, Pa. (AP) -- Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro was euthanized Monday after complications from his gruesome breakdown at last year's Preakness, ending an eight-month ordeal that prompted an outpouring of support across the country.

"We just reached a point where it was going to be difficult for him to go on without pain," co-owner Roy Jackson said. "It was the right decision, it was the right thing to do. We said all along if there was a situation where it would become more difficult for him then it would be time."

A series of ailments, including laminitis in the left rear hoof and a recent abscess in the right rear hoof, proved too much for the gallant colt.

Barbaro battled in his ICU stall for eight months. The 4-year-old colt underwent several procedures and was fitted with fiberglass casts. He spent time in a sling to ease pressure on his legs, had pins inserted and was fitted at the end with an external brace. These were all extraordinary measures for a horse with such injuries.

Roy and Gretchen Jackson were with Barbaro on Monday morning, with the owners making the decision in consultation with chief surgeon Dr. Dean Richardson.

"I would say thank you for everything, and all your thoughts and prayers over the last eight months or so," Jackson said to Barbaro's fans.

The news that Barbaro had been euthanized first was reported on the Thoroughbred Times Web site.

On May 20, Barbaro was rushed to the New Bolton Center, about 30 miles from Philadelphia in Kennett Square, hours after shattering his right hind leg just a few strides into the Preakness Stakes. The bay colt underwent a five-hour operation that fused two joints, recovering from an injury most horses never survive. But Barbaro never regained his natural gait.

"We loved him. He was great," said Peter Brette, Barbaro's exercise rider and assistant trainer for Michael Matz. "He did everything we ever asked of him. He could have been one of the best. What a fighter he was."

Barbaro suffered a significant setback over the weekend, and surgery was required to insert two steel pins in a bone -- one of three shattered in the Preakness but now healthy -- to eliminate all weight bearing on the ailing right rear foot.

The procedure Saturday was a risky one, because it transferred more weight to the leg while the foot rests on the ground bearing no weight.

The leg was on the mend until the abscess began causing discomfort last week. Until then, the major concern was Barbaro's left rear leg, which developed laminitis in July, and 80 percent of the hoof was removed.

Richardson said Monday morning that Barbaro did not have a good night.

"This horse was a hero," said David Switzer, executive director of the Kentucky Thoroughbred Association. "His owners went above and beyond the call of duty to save this horse. It's an unfortunate situation, but I think they did the right thing in putting him down."

Brilliant on the race track, Barbaro always will be remembered for his brave fight for survival.

The story of the beloved 4-year-old bay colt's fight for life captured the fancy of millions.

When Barbaro broke down, his right hind leg flared out awkwardly as jockey Edgar Prado jumped off and tried to steady the ailing horse. Race fans at Pimlico wept. Within 24 hours the entire nation seemed to be caught up in a "Barbaro watch," waiting for any news.

Well-wishers young and old showed up at the New Bolton Center with cards, flowers, gifts, goodies and even religious medals for the champ, and thousands of e-mails poured into the hospital's Web site just for him.

"I just can't explain why everyone is so caught up in this horse," Roy Jackson, who owned the colt with his wife, Gretchen, has said time and again. "Everything is so negative now in the world, people love animals and I think they just happen to latch onto him."

Devoted fans even wrote Christmas carols for him, sent a wreath made of baby organic carrots and gave him a Christmas stocking.

The biggest gift has been the $1.2 million raised since early June for the Barbaro Fund. The money is put toward needed equipment such as an operating room table, and a raft and sling for the same pool recovery Barbaro used after his surgeries.

The Jacksons spent tens of thousands of dollars hoping the best horse they ever owned would recover and be able to live a comfortable life on the farm -- whether he was able to breed or not.

The couple, who own about 70 racehorses, broodmares and yearlings, and operate the 190-acre Lael Farm, have been in the horse business for 30 years, and never had a horse like Barbaro.

As the days passed, it seemed Barbaro would get his happy ending. As late as December, with the broken bones in his right hind leg nearly healed and his laminitis under control, Barbaro was looking good and relishing daily walks outside his intensive care unit.

But after months of upbeat progress reports, including talk that he might be headed home soon, news came Jan. 10 of a serious setback because of the laminitis. Richardson had to remove damaged tissue from Barbaro's left hind hoof, and the colt was placed back in a protective sling.

On Jan. 13, another section of his left rear hoof was removed. After Barbaro developed a deep abscess in his right hind foot, surgery was performed Saturday to insert two steel pins in a bone.

This after Richardson warned last December that Barbaro's right hind leg was getting stronger and that the left hind foot was a "more formidable long-term challenge."

Even before the injury that ended his career, Barbaro had earned his fame for simply being a magnificent racehorse.

Foaled and raised at Sanborn Chase at Springmint Farm near Nicholasville, Ky., Barbaro always stood out in the crowd. "He was an enormous foal," recalled breeder Bill Sanborn. "He was a tall and leggy horse, and when he grew it was like in two-inch spurts."

When the Jacksons sent Barbaro to trainer Matz over a year ago, exercise rider Brette climbed aboard and said "I thought he was a 3-year-old."

A son of Dynaformer, out of the dam Le Ville Rouge, Barbaro started his career on the turf, but Matz knew he would have to try his versatile colt on the dirt. He reasoned that if he had a talented 3-year-old in America, he'd have to find out early if his horse was good enough for the Triple Crown races.

Barbaro was good enough, all right. He won his first three races on turf with authority, including the Laurel Futurity by eight lengths and the Tropical Park Derby by 33/4 lengths.

That's when Matz drew up an unconventional plan for a dirt campaign that spaced out Barbaro's race to keep him fit for the entire Triple Crown, a grueling ordeal of three races in five weeks at varying distances over different tracks.

Barbaro won the Holy Bull Stakes at Gulfstream Park on Feb. 4, but his dirt debut was inconclusive since it came over a sloppy track. After an eight-week break, an unusually long time between races, Barbaro came back and won the Florida Derby by a half-length over Sharp Humor despite an outside No. 10 post.

The deal was sealed -- on to the Derby, but not without criticism that Barbaro couldn't win coming off a five-week layoff. After all, it had been 50 years since Needles won the Derby off a similar break. But Matz was unfazed, and stuck to his plan, saying all the time he was doing what was best for the horse.

Not only did Barbaro win the Derby, he demolished what was supposed to be one of the toughest fields in years. The 61/2-length winning margin was the largest since 1946, when Assault won by eight lengths and went on to sweep the Triple Crown.

The 55-year-old Matz, meanwhile, was living a charmed life. Before turning to thoroughbreds eight years ago, he was an international show jumping star, and a three-time Olympian and silver medal winner who carried the U.S. flag at the closing ceremony at the 1996 Atlanta Games. He also survived a plane crash in Iowa in 1989 and became a hero by saving three children from the burning wreckage. The crash killed 112 of the 296 people on board United Flight 232.

In Barbaro, Matz truly believed he was training a Triple Crown winner. He often said Barbaro was good enough to be ranked among the greats and join Seattle Slew as the only unbeaten Triple Crown champions.

But two weeks later after the Derby Barbaro took a horrible misstep and one of the most extraordinary attempts to save a thoroughbred was under way. The injury was considered to be so disastrous that many thought the horse would be euthanized while still at Pimlico Race Track.

Instead, Barbaro was transported that night to the New Bolton Center's George D. Widener Hospital for Large Animals and was operated on the next day by Richardson.

The injuries were as serious as everyone feared: Barbaro sustained a broken cannon bone above the ankle, a broken sesamoid bone behind the ankle and a broken long pastern bone below the ankle. The fetlock joint -- the ankle -- was dislocated. Richardson said the pastern bone was shattered in "20-plus pieces."

Barbaro, who earned $2,302,200 with his six wins in seven starts, endured the complicated five-hour surgery in which Richardson inserted a titanium plate and 27 screws into the broken bones. After calmly awakening from anesthesia, he "practically jogged back to his stall" looking for something to eat.

At the time, Richardson stressed Barbaro still had many hurdles to clear, and called chances for a full recovery a "coin toss."

Afterward, though, things went relatively smoothly. Each day brought more optimism: Barbaro was eyeing the mares, nickering, gobbling up his feed and trying to walk out of his stall. There was great hope Barbaro somehow would overcome the odds and live a life of leisure on the farm.

But by mid-July, Richardson's greatest fear became reality -- laminitis struck Barbaro's left hind leg and 80 percent of the hoof was removed. Richardson recalled recently what it was like when he met with the Jacksons, and Matz, and his wife, D.D., to deliver the news.

"It was terrible," Richardson said. "I wouldn't have blamed anyone at that point for saying they just couldn't face the prospects of going on."

But Barbaro responded well to treatment, and his recovery was progressing until a final, fatal turn.

On the shoulders of ants

Oh wondrous satire. Why on God's Green Earth would Bill O'Reilly ever put himself in the same room with his "adoring fan", Stephen Colbert?

Whatever the impetus for it, you can now watch (through the miraculous power of the internet) Colbert on the Factor, Papa Bear on the Report, and of course the slightly related, and now retro-awesome Press Dinner.

Mmmm good! Like a tasty dessert for your State of the Union blue state special.

Struggle in contradiction to the apparatus?!

Here's a pretty dream concert event for me...although getting there is prohibitive. I wish Atlanta was a hotbed of touring for all these bands. Seriously--RaTM (reunion!), RHCP, Air(!), and my new interests The Roots and Lupe Fiasco?! Good golly Mr. Molly. The real story is the possible (please please please) reunification of Rage Against the Machine. I've already bemoaned their absence from today's music scene--did they read my blog and decide to go to it once again? See article below.

Rage Against the Machine reunite for Coachella

After Chris Cornell and the remaining members of Rage Against the Machine formed Audioslave, it seemed like we’d never see Zack de la Rocha together on stage with his former Rage bandmates. In a surprise announcement that came down the wire today, it appears that after a seven year break-up, Zach de la Rocha and the boys are getting back together to headline this year's Coachella Festival.

MTV reports that the politically charged group will be getting back together with frontman, Zack de la Rocha to headline this year's Coachella Music Festival but as festival organizers state, the show would be a one-off gig only. Beyond the one show, the band's spokesman couldn't be reached for comment on the potential for longer term plans. However, a representative for Zack de la Rocha revealed the singer will not be commenting on the reunion.

This latest announcement brings the band full circle in terms of the Coachella festival, as Rage Against the Machine were also the headliners for the debut back in 1999. Sharing the stage with Rage at the Coachella festival will be former 2003 headliners The Red Hot Chili Peppers and Bjork, who headlined back in 2002. Also included on the bill are The Arcade Fire, Interpol, Arctic Monkeys, Ghostface Killah, the Decemberists, Air, the Roots, Sonic Youth, Kings of Leon, Kaiser Chiefs, Travis, Lily Allen, Lupe Fiasco, and Willie Nelson.

Before today's announcement, the music industry was abuzz with rumors of the Rage Against the Machine reunion, which former member Tom Morello tried to downplay in an e-mail to MTV earlier this month. Zack de la Rocha virtually disappeared from the music scene after Rage disbanded in 2000, only popping up sporadically to record with DJ Shadow, Saul Williams and Blackalicious. In recent years, there’s also been talk of a de la Rocha solo album, but nothing has materialized from the former Rage frontman.

Tickets for this year's eighth annual Coachella Festival go on sale January 27, 2007 with a three day pass running $249, while a select number on one day passes are available for $89. Debuting in 1999, the Coachella Music Festival is held each year at the Empire Polo Fields in Indio, California. The fest has played host to several tops acts in the music industry, including the Foo Fighters, Bjork, The Chemical Brothers, Tool, and Depeche Mode. The main attraction to the festival is it's continuous live music, which is performed on the five stages and tents - Coachella Stage, Outdoor Theatre, Gobi Tent, Mojave Tent, and the Sahara Tent. After the first event was staged in October 1999, organizers have since moved the show up to April as a way of avoiding the intense heat of the Mojave desert, which often climbs above 100°F.

Rage Against the Machine hit the music scene back in 1992 with the politically charged track “Killing in the Name,” which instantly generated a huge cult fan base across the country. As a result of the band’s immense popularity, legions of alternative fans fell in love with Zack de la Rocha's rap-based social commentary, backed by the band's hard rock sound. Rage Against the Machine topped the charts in 1996 with "Evil Empire" and again in 1999 with "The Battle of Los Angeles", the same year they headlined the very first Coachella festival.

Senior Year Selection

A poem from my senior year in high school. MORE THAN 10 YEARS OLD?!
~~~~~~

Reunion at Gettysburg

Suffering is interned within these pages
Before me. Its cold
Hands just missed my fragile heart.
I weep for my lack of death,
As a textbook returns me back again.

From across battlefields, unmerciful age
Charges, causes worn and sagging.
These brothers share the flesh
Of their kin, splashed wet on their uniforms.
These are survivors of battalions
Who gulped their own blood,
The neighbors of scorched ribs,
Shredded arms cast far from
Nameless bodies,
And apparitions feasted upon by gangrene.

All mailed by death, some lacked
The legs, the strong pillars
Of forty years before.
Instead of thunderous metal
Ripping through eyesockets,
Tears embrace. It is the unspeakable
Bond between bastards who survive.
Body on body, they walk back to hell.
Mouring for the dead, they live
For the useless waste of lost fathers,
Forsaken children, and the beauty
Of understanding, of sharing between souls.
Bayonettes forced brotherhood
Between these sworn enemies, dripping of life.
It is why the Civil War
Cries for itself.

-E. Andrew Coker
1-13-97 2nd Revision

Blue Ribbon Winner

While the theme was rejected by the rest of my team for this year's Rival theme (*2006 proved that we were indeed in a constant battle with ourselves...dur!), it is the theme of one of the latest AP/AOL polls. I'm not sure I trust that AOL part, considering they had that whole system of AOL Keywords for 5 years that nobody ever used and they flooded my personal mailbox with hundreds of coasters that just happened to look like 99 hour free trials. Well I showed them like I showed BMG music club back in the day (well, Edward Coker, Ned Coker, Suzanne Coker, and Andrew Coker showed BMG)...by signing up with multiple accounts and stretching into a free year of AOL. Don't tell them please, their lawyers are mean enough to squash my high school friend and his bulletin board dreams of Atlanta On Line. If you know what a BBS is, you get extra geek cred from me.

Back to bipolarity.

President Bush is unanimously the Hero and Villain of the year according to the American People.

In the villain category he won by a landslide. The kind that the Smashing Pumpkins covered. The kind that probably almost came out in a summer blockbuster at the same time as Deep Impact, Dante's Inferno, Volcano, Armageddon, and Speed 2: Cruise Control, but was scrapped at the last minute for fear that the theatre-going public would be saturated with implausible, escapist imagery. 1 in 4 put him at the top of the list. That makes him primo first pick for playground bully.

Osama Bin Laden, finishing behind him, had this to say..."At some point you begin to pity the whale and blame the Captain...even when the Captain is picking his nose in Iraq."

Saddam Hussein, facing execution some day before the end of January, replied, "I can't believe they didn't pick the Amerifascist that shot the dude in the face. I mean seriously, he's got that whole Grand Moff Tarkin vibe going on. Bush is more like a Watto type."

As for hero of the year, the President narrowly beat out the Troops in Iraq.

Peering to their left on the three-tiered medal stand, America's Troops observed, "Well, I guess if it weren't for him, we wouldn't have been invited to the 2007 Herolympics. We thought we'd peaked in 2003! Mission Accomplished sure was a sneaky trick at reverse psychology!"

Because Americans think celebrities are Heroic and Villainous, they were polled about Hollywood. 3 in 10 viewed Mrs. Spears as the creme de la crap. Big surprise. 2nd place Paris Hilton, Third Sign of the Apocalypse was shortly followed by Mr. Apocalypto, Mel Gibson.

29 percent of America is brainwashed into thinking Oprah Winfrey is da bomb, and Michael J. Fox finished 2nd. Third was superhottie George Clooney (I personally think it was for Goodnight and Good Luck, although I doubt if 1% of America liked the movie like they should).

And finally, because America and Celebrity can't be uttered in the same sentence without them--Angelina Jolie quadrupled her man's 2 percent of the vote. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got 2%, because 2% of the population is either made up of Scientologists or people who are afraid Cruise will lead an army of aliens against us unless they vote properly.

I know you were wondering...here's my list.

Villain of the year: Bush (a no brainer)

Hero of the year: Indiana Jones (also a no brainer)

Vikings are the new Pirate

Oh epiphanic moment! How you twist the heart and sunder it in twain and then rebuild it stronger than before! What I held most deeply and tenderly in my soul as truth has been proven dire and sinister indeed.

Of the greatest question of all mankind, there existed in my mind no doubt as to the proper answer. I fought and I argued and I sought to prove that the Pirate was vastly superior to the Ninja and the Robot. But lo, like everything in Australia is upside down (as proven below)....my recent trip there has upended my long held belief. PIRATES! screamed the huge banner outside the Australian Maritime Museum in Sydney. So sinister, the giant sign! I simply had to make the pilgrimage inside...

...and what I found crushed me so completely, so dashed my love of the Piratical life on the rocks of corporatism and kitsch, that I can barely stand to look at the Jolly Roger or muster a half-hearted "Yaaarrrr!". One small paragrah informational panel surrounded by the single worst museum display for kids. Pirates have been reduced to a marketing ploy....the alternaprofession du jour. Awww, look at cute little Timmy with his eyepatch and plastic cutlass! These are not the pirates of yore. These aren't the men that drink gallons of rum and then gut you with a stilletto knife! These aren't the ones battling powerful storms on eight story ocean waves while barely holding on to a thread of life!

These are the nouveau pirate. And we should be ashamed. So I've been on a soul search for a new archetype. Clearly I could never surrender myself to Ninjadom. Only fools like my Good Friend Parag submit their will to the Robot side of things. Outside the box. Must think big.

VIKINGS! Nothing has tainted their will, their power, or their legend. On this great northern land I shall plant my flag...until the rest of the world catches up with me and ruins it.