More tales from the office

Fantastic e-mail quote of the day regarding fantasy football league from our resident scholar aesthete Will:

I joined, made no trades or adjustments to my roster, and still did just fine. That was the point. Fantasy Football is a crap shoot, a chance game like Roulette, except the randomizing element is the health, drug addiction, and extracurricular dog-fighting that cripples the idols of Mammon that you worship.

But I'll play if you'll stop being mean to me.

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And finally, as part of my office manager duties, I bring you an example of a new employee introduction, such as I write on the first day someone is here and send to the office. Welcome to the company.

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*new employee alert*

The last few entries in the diary of Cary Collins, Jan 2^nd, 1999.

Morning

It’s supposed to be July 23^rd 1923, but it surely doesn’t feel like it. Brendan, diva that he is, is chugging his 2^nd bottle of Cristal while we all wait for him to get his nails done. Vosloo’s head is pouring sweat and makeup they caked on it about an hour ago. This goddamned desert sun is breaking my spirit, as I find myself giving my all as Jonathan Carnahan. Brendan, that fop, he’s basically dialing it in nowadays after his agent negotiated the deal and all the contract riders following Airheads. This is the second role he’s stolen right out from underneath me!

At least Rachel’s wearing one of those thin white linen tops…how I long for her darling accent.

Afternoon

Brendan, drunk as a skunk, hid on set wearing nothing but toilet paper. As we all fanned out looking for him, I’m appalled to say that poor Rachel, darling Rachel, nearly had a heart attack as he jumped out and grabbed her, screaming “I’m The Mummy!!! Unravel me!!!!”. Luckily I was there to catch her fainting body… The guys we hired locally to move the giant set pieces and carry Brendan back and forth on a raised throne, promptly handed in their resignations. Eagle-eagle-snake-cat-river. Strong words indeed.

Evening

Another day’s shooting behind us. I’ve probably found at least a pound of sand in my nether region, rushed there by the angry winds that surround our shooting location. Patricia, the actress who’s playing Anck Su Namun, has succumbed to what we on-set have called “The Mummy’s Curse”—Fraser’s Condyloma. I stole myself into Brendan’s RV today and found the script to Monkey Bone. The writing is incredible, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s really a clever metaphor for his personal life.

My sweet sweet Rachel calls to me in my dreams, I must attend her.

Jan 3^rd, 1999.

Morning

We finished off the last few scenes this morning. Brendan’s taking to wearing a leather jacket and matching hat, cracking a whip and dragging himself beneath a Nazi troop transport truck. He betrays the spirit that is Harrison Ford and Sam Spiro. He disgusts me.

Afternoon

I was in Four Weddings and a Funeral! I delivered Auden with the best of them! Now I play second fiddle to George of the Jungle?!

We traveled to visit the Sphinx today, as a thank you gift from the producer. Throughout the whole ride Brendan was regaling us with stories of the parties he had with “Sean and Pauly” after Encino Man. As if he knows them that well! Hookers and blow. Blow and hookers. Same ol’ same ol’. I perform Shakespeare on my Saturday nights at the community theater!

Night

I saw Rachel and Brendan kiss today. My Rachel. My sweet, Princess Nefertiri. I must do something. This must stop!

Jan 4^th, 1999.

If you are reading this you know it has come to pass. Either I will have slain the beast that is Fraser or he will have bested me. I could not live a day longer living in his shadow. In either case I am through with acting, my one great love besides Rachel. I hold no misconceptions in my heart that she will rush into my arms like she should, a woman with her grace and power could not settle for Hugh Grant’s eternal second fiddle.

What shall I yearn for? What to do with the rest of my life? Some of the gents at ILM have suggested that they’d support me in my assassination attempt—make it look like he’d been swallowed in a sandstorm. If I fail, they promised to get me a job in programming. Either way, this is my last journal entry for a long while. Wish me luck as I face the monstrous Brendan—fully determined and with righteousness on my side!

[The following was found inserted in the diary, with the caption “The metaphor of a love triangle”]

Please join with me in welcoming the real Cary Collins (who strangely resembles actor John Hannah). He’s one of the Workshop Candidates (programming) for the World of Darkness MMO, and will be situated betwixt Orrin and Chris, in what I hope isn’t a new love triangle.

Icky Thumpin'

Get in your car.
Go to the record store.
Don't delay.
Do not dally.
Do not lollygag.
Do not hesitate.
If you need to pee first, just go in your pants.
If you need to get gas first, then just run.
If you don't have the money, come borrow it from me.

Go forth and purchase the White Stripes new album, "Icky Thump".
Trust me.
I don't lie about music.
This album is good.
It rocks my face off.
It'll rock yours off too.

The season begins.

A charge from peers---but more internal than anything.

Thanks to my team for an awesome SMUT.

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Game paradigms....

I work for a gaming company. Well, sorta multiple gaming companies. What goes into designing and maintaining a game? Here's a taste--interview portion from Slashdot with our CMO. It's why I think people at my company are pretty darn smart. That's not so I can get a gold star on my report card neither!


Slashdot: Yeah, um, so you in your estimation the fact that it's not more like a World of Warcraft, where death is not really a big deal, you guys see that as a definite strength for the game?

Magnus: Absolutely. The reason that people team up in corporations and then corporations team up in alliances is because there is this inherent big threat of dying and losing a lot of money. You can lose months of work in 30 seconds, and this forces people because of human nature, to band together and form relationships. I'm saving somebody's life, saving their three, four, five, six months of work, so you create very strong relationships, where you don't have an opportunity in real life to rescue your friends from death.

Slashdot: Right, hopefully.

Magnus: Yeah, hopefully, but you get to do that on a daily basis. And that's what creates these really strong feelings, the really strong relationships, that are such a big part of this game. And because it's so totally open ended, so totally different from a game like World of Warcraft, which is a really structured game experience. A great game, but it's just different. So when people have done that type of game, it's kind of a natural progression for them to step into something that's heavier and deeper, and more rewarding in the end.

Quote of the month.

The quote of the month is courtesy of VoidTyger, a hero on City of Heroes.

"Willie Nelson is who Chuck Norris would be
if Chuck Norris lead a hard life."


Word.

When two paths collide

Path: The First

I'm searching websites of colleges in the south east for professorial contacts that we can use to cull some raw, young talent for programming positions and internships opening up at my company. My first stop is Georgia Tech. Knowing many graduates through ultimate (Mr. Parham, Suckit Parag, Mati Heartpower, etc...) and how capable and smart (read as: "perfect dork-company material") they were, I was feeling good about my chances.

Then I stumble upon this text in their School of Interactive Computing writeup.

Much of the research within the School of Interactive Computing produces new artifacts that embody new capabilities or methods. Examples include:

• Individuals working with traditional computers
• Groups of people using ubiquitous computing capabilities throughout various environments
• Researchers visualizing scientific data
• Students developing and altering middle school physics simulations
• Automated intelligent surveillance systems monitoring airport tarmacs
• Robots delivering pharmaceuticals to patients in hospitals

OK, so it wasn't bolded and enlarged before. But it needs to be. I mean seriously. Just think for a second about that.

Path: The Second

I was disturbed by my immediate "free associations" as fleeting thoughts invaded my head. First Cheech Marin in scrubs. Then Nurse Ratched shooting lasers out of her eyes. Finally Patch Adams' head coming unhinged in a smoky, sparking flash to reveal various multicolored wires underneath. I was a little disappointed I didn't immediately get Johnny 5 with a stethoscope.

Of course, my immediate response to the shame of my overactive imagination was to find someone else out there like me. Will anyone understand me? Who am I?

It's clear from a quick search through Google Images that indeed, someone somewhere has thought long and hard about the idea of robot doctors.

And so two paths converge in confluence. Sure, one may be born out of the other, but together they form a near-perfect circle. What but the perfection of form and ideal could result in the utterly ridiculous image above?!

In my mind, there are two lessons to take from this. Things are coming in twos today.
Lesson One: No man is an island.
Lesson Two: Chicks dig big metal dudes.

Who does number two work for?

So for a month now I've been learning all about Icelandic culture through peripheral immersion.

Why the sudden interest in the Tiny Island Entirely Populated By Viking Hordes?

The company I just started to work for, White Wolf Publishing, merged with CCP Games--which is from Iceland.

The man in the picture above is kinda the President/CEO/Storm Trooper General. He doesn't dress like that normally, but honestly, we all think he should.

Here's a short list of what else you don't know about Iceland.

• In case of a worldwide zombie infestation, they are completely screwed because almost the entirety of Europe will try to go over there for safety and they don't have the military to protect their borders. What the entirety of Europe doesn't realize is that zombies can walk the ocean floor. Thanks Max Brooks for this bit of information.
• They all travel in longships, even on land. 3/4 of the entire population are expert, Olympic-level rowers. The other 1/4 are super-expert, Olympic-level rowers. They don't compete in the Olympics in rowing because, well, it's too easy.
  
• They party harder than 27 Collin Farrel's PLUS 3 sets of Oasis brothers. The only reason they haven't all died is because the cold weather preserves their organs.
• Everything that comes ashore is taxed. Like crazy. No, I mean like the kind of tax that makes you want to throw tea into a harbor. It's so bad that we try to ship them as little as possible, instead making them swallow expensive computer parts when boarding airplanes.
• "Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin is their national anthem. It is also the prayer they say before they go to bed every night. Finally it serves as some really kickass Muzak in every office elevator in the entire country...by law.
• They are all really a bunch of hippies. I like them because I play frisbee.
• Consonants are clearly more highly valued than vowels.
• The words "shark" and "urine" appear in the name of one of their famous dishes. I will not ever eat that dish, although it has received the "not as bad as I expected" award from White Wolf's finest food critics.
• While they have a culture rooted in maritime endeavors, at our recent company day they were the masterminds behind the SS Worst Boat Ever. It was probably the only vessel that the teambuilding company has strictly forbidden anyone from manning in a race across a body of water. Mainly because it was sort of like a human torpedo, but made out of cardboard and with holes everywhere.
  

Oðinsdagr, the 28th Day of Martius

I shall begin my labors here.