Split Flea Soup

Ahh, the folly of early science! Oh misaligned humours, oh spiritual justification, oh icky grody symptoms!

It's everybody's favorite pandemic. THE BUBONIC PLAGUE. Sounds kinda scary in a sort of distant past sorta way. Well, worry not dear reader. The past is behind us. An early Europe being held hostage by the whims of an army of dirty fleas is well distant. We owe so much to that time.

• Monty Python and the Holy Grail wouldn't be as complete a masterpiece without its inclusion
• Nobody would be able to imitate the voice of Fantasy Island little person Tattoo in saying "The Plague, boss, the Plague!"
• Chihuahuas wouldn't rise in popularity to the detriment of their pet-competitors, rats
• Ye Olde Headstone Shoppe of York wouldn't have done such a brisk business
• Legends of witches, vampires, and other horrific nasties wouldn't pack the same punch without rumours they were the ones spreading the plague
• The word Ebonics wouldn't sound as sinister as it does to the compassionate conservatives.
  

But, as all exciting things do, the plague has returned. Don't worry Frenchy le Frencher, German von Germanic, Italian Italiani, or neutral Swiss person, its near Salt Lake City!

The hallowed land of the Mormons is under attack from a powerful and evil flea circus. Before you call your relatives there and recommend Xtra Strength Canine Advantix for your uncle's dog Spotty, I'll be more specific. A campground at Natural Bridges National Monument has been closed because of bubonic plague detected among field mice and chipmunks.

Puxatawny Phil, Mickey, Alvin, and friends watch out! Apparently one of those guys got on a plane and flew to Mesa Verde National Park and Colorodo National Monument as well.

"We come down on the conservative side when it comes to closing campgrounds," said Joe Winkelmaier of the US Public Health Service. "We just like to be sure when it comes to plague."

Funny quote Fonz's nephew! Well, good to know that a field full of dead mice catches someone's attention. All I know is I'm going to start putting together a Bubonic Preparedness Kit. Here's what I'm planning on putting in it.

• Plastic sheeting and duct tape. It keeps out anything!
• Something to duck and cover under, like a school desk
• Strategic plans to fight the mice in Iraq instead of here
• Extra toilet paper for the extra diarrhea
• A Hollywood makeup artist to prevent unsightly black patches of the skin
• A fine quill, gilded ink, and anough papyrus to record the collected wealth of our civilization for posterity
• Some tasty cheese to sacrifice to the lead rat
• Pigpen, to whom fleas will flock instead of me

I urge you to do the same.