Fox News: Fair and Correct?

Surely today, at some point, four horsemen will set out from somewhere and descend upon humanity. Surely, if it weren't for one of the signs of the reversal of apocalypse. FoxNews.com ran an opinion column that I actually agree with! I wonder if it will make the Daily Show or the Colbert Report. Check it out here.

The Common Man

So I've thought of a concept for a new updatable blog, each post written from a different voice. Either in dialogue (multi-character reactions to the topic at hand) or monologue style (a la a diary).

Introducing:
THE GOON BREAK ROOM

Where underlings go to discuss their daily woes. So I've brainstormed a bunch of different types of goons (and I'm coming up with names for them), but I'd like to hear any suggestions you might have of your favorite archetypes...so comment away. I'll post here once I've written a post or two.

Back to your prison...

....you damned pasty-white Feet! You've enjoyed the winter time long enough! That's right kids, it's Summer League time again. This year Erin and I have surrounded ourselves with some of our closest friends, a whole bevy of estrogonic firepower, and enough Rivalites to feed Janus. The "lush" fields of Grant Park shall once again feel the angry stomping of my feet. Foes near and far shall tremble at our sight.

"Up until the punching, it was a real nice party". Dirt Nap Shindig 2006.

No shirt no shoes some fun.

Just wanted to say a special thanks to all those who made our Memorial Day weekend a blast. Erin and I had a wonderful time, even if our teams didn't win the tournament. We survived an eggshelling, a vulture attack, Sterzy Woozy, Cracker Barrhell, a mean maccaw, The Hardest Avocados Known To Man, Quistaritas, something that's wonderful and HUGE and that will make you glad you stayed, the crow's nest, the odour of sulfur, and several impersonations that are for some reason still hilarious. Vacation me bra!

CNN Ya Latah!

My love-hate relationship with CNN.com, who brings me BREAKING NEWS! Has ended. This is the last straw. They haven't taken any of my constructive criticism to heart and now it's time to say goodbye.

In the great tradition of my coworker Conrad, who boycotts things left and right with seemingly irrevocable logic, I am adding CNN.com to my list. This morning's top story, of all the news in the world, is about a horse's surgery. Sure he won one of the races for the Triple Crown. But the mad and ridiculous rush to cover this minute-by-minute drama forced writers to mispell the word "doctor" in the headline. And they use what I so despise...the dreaded CNN.com "quotation marks" when describing his fate as a "coin toss".

Luckily, Foxnews.com is also running the same story as its headliner. I get to boycott them too, although I've only been there twice! Looks like I'm headed to NPR and Google News where they don't have a single mention of Barbaro's surgery.

---EDIT--- In the time it took me to write this post, the story has changed to "Barbaro eating, flirting with mares". I kid you not. So I gave CNN one last chance. And they disappointed me.

BOYCOTT ON!

You think you're an alcoholic?

I'm all for weirdness. I work at a gaming company. Good times.

I'm even occasionally for a little relaxation. A couple beers. Good times.

But one can go overboard. WAY overboard like a condo tenant in Utah did. In 8 years of living there he filled his condo with about 70,000 empty cans. Almost all of them were Coors Light. That's 24 beers A DAY for 8 years.

He'd shut off his own water and heat. The piles of silver bullets had obscured his furniture and blocked the front door. The cans were worth $800 in recycling, which I am sure pales in comparison to the cleaning bill. The mailman had never delivered mail there.

But every month a check came for the rent.

Here are some obvious questions that really have no possible answer.

• How did his liver survive on 24 beers a day?
• Why did he choose Coors Light?
• How did he avoid junk mail?
• Did he have a sense of smell?
• Why didn't he try to build something out of all those cans?

Some conclusions.

• He was being hunted by werewolves. Coors Light is one of the few things that can stop them.
• He must hate the environment.
• He had one REALLY REALLY big party for the millenium.
• He knows something about beer we don't.
• His name is Barney Gumbell.
• Or He is really David Blaine and has been training for 8 years for his next breath-holding stunt in a tub full of beer.
• He missed his childhood time at Chuck E Cheese.

If you want to see the story, check out CNN.com. Apparently there isn't anything else important going on in the world today.

When your vote woulda counted...

...and you don't use it, it really really is disappointing.

33.06%

33.26%

33.68%

50 million votes.

And America takes out my boy. We'll miss you Elliot!
Stupid stupid stupid other voters who got off their lazy butts.

Split Flea Soup

Ahh, the folly of early science! Oh misaligned humours, oh spiritual justification, oh icky grody symptoms!

It's everybody's favorite pandemic. THE BUBONIC PLAGUE. Sounds kinda scary in a sort of distant past sorta way. Well, worry not dear reader. The past is behind us. An early Europe being held hostage by the whims of an army of dirty fleas is well distant. We owe so much to that time.

• Monty Python and the Holy Grail wouldn't be as complete a masterpiece without its inclusion
• Nobody would be able to imitate the voice of Fantasy Island little person Tattoo in saying "The Plague, boss, the Plague!"
• Chihuahuas wouldn't rise in popularity to the detriment of their pet-competitors, rats
• Ye Olde Headstone Shoppe of York wouldn't have done such a brisk business
• Legends of witches, vampires, and other horrific nasties wouldn't pack the same punch without rumours they were the ones spreading the plague
• The word Ebonics wouldn't sound as sinister as it does to the compassionate conservatives.
  

But, as all exciting things do, the plague has returned. Don't worry Frenchy le Frencher, German von Germanic, Italian Italiani, or neutral Swiss person, its near Salt Lake City!

The hallowed land of the Mormons is under attack from a powerful and evil flea circus. Before you call your relatives there and recommend Xtra Strength Canine Advantix for your uncle's dog Spotty, I'll be more specific. A campground at Natural Bridges National Monument has been closed because of bubonic plague detected among field mice and chipmunks.

Puxatawny Phil, Mickey, Alvin, and friends watch out! Apparently one of those guys got on a plane and flew to Mesa Verde National Park and Colorodo National Monument as well.

"We come down on the conservative side when it comes to closing campgrounds," said Joe Winkelmaier of the US Public Health Service. "We just like to be sure when it comes to plague."

Funny quote Fonz's nephew! Well, good to know that a field full of dead mice catches someone's attention. All I know is I'm going to start putting together a Bubonic Preparedness Kit. Here's what I'm planning on putting in it.

• Plastic sheeting and duct tape. It keeps out anything!
• Something to duck and cover under, like a school desk
• Strategic plans to fight the mice in Iraq instead of here
• Extra toilet paper for the extra diarrhea
• A Hollywood makeup artist to prevent unsightly black patches of the skin
• A fine quill, gilded ink, and anough papyrus to record the collected wealth of our civilization for posterity
• Some tasty cheese to sacrifice to the lead rat
• Pigpen, to whom fleas will flock instead of me

I urge you to do the same.