Ho, Ho, NOOOOOO!

Well it was a long long week past, chillin out down in Sarasota. I watched some good ultimate. More on that later. Something infinitely more tragic than a dropped disc has occured.

Rome has again fallen. Elmer Dresslar Jr. is dead. While I understand the overwhelming desire to rend your clothes and pull out your hair and wail at anger at the cruel world...please try to contain your grief.

The voice of the Jolly Green Giant is no more. Now we are doomed to a future of unrealistic imitations of the once-great vocalization. The ginormous spirit of one man has long filled the ginormous body of a great vegetable automaton. What indeed is this greater thing he has become? Let's take a closer look at the JGG.

VH1: BEHIND THE CHLOROPHYLL

As far as I can tell (or make up), there are three schools of thought as to who the Green Giant is, where he came from, and what makes him so jolly. After the spotlights dim, the paparazzi go home, and the curtain closes we are left with the story of one being who is larger than life.

Theory One: The Guardian Golem
Who shall protect our children from supersizement? One theory posits that the Giant is indeed a magical construct of an ancient religion...an animated being given life to protect those within the Green Valley from the woes of the outside world. Born from a frantic and xenophobic sentiment into the life of an eternal bodyguard, a golem of sorts, the JGG is as powerful as the vegetables he protects.

But what would vegetables possibly have to worry about? The Big Fella is bound to a geographical location, patrolling the borders for dangerous foes. Yet on his beat, this chloro-cop fights a much greater psychological battle for the good health of children everywhere.

The forests to the east hold the ever-encroaching and increasingly-daring Keebler Elves. They use the skins of the baby sprouts as the secret ingredients of their cookies and wear their peas as leguminous lavalieres. Even Gregor Mendel, with his wicked brand of social darwinism, would shudder at their savagery.

But in the hierarchy of menaces, one stands ahead of the rest. Shrouded in a cape of cocoa, sucking the very life out of children everywhere and replacing it with a sugar...Count Chocula. Bram Stoker's real secret inspiration now unveiled. Let's just say that Vlad the Impaler was Strawberry Shortcake compared to him.

His fight versus the Avatars of Sugar has inspired countless of children to forsake their candy bars to consume broccoli and turnip greens. He, while soulless and empty inside, provides a heroic template for humanity and vegetablekind--tirelessly defending his realm with really big fists.

Theory Two: The Terrible Green Tyrant
The second theory has been gaining steam of late, although not as well-supported as the first (but highly popular among the 4-14 year old demographic). It contends that the JGG is indeed a cruel and unusual despot. He rules with an Iron Green Thumb over the rest of the vegetables. He is all-seeing, all-knowing, and all-powerful when compared with the pea-ons under him. His sadistic empire runs on the power of his subjects. He has the ears of Corn spies everywhere.

The will to live has left all vegetables under his gaze. They have become bland and kinda grody tasting sometimes. Before his reign (BJGG) they were thriving and tasty, cauliflower tasted like Oreos. Carrot Juice was more popular than soda. But then the darkness came. A monster in mind and body came from a land far away and smashed his gavel down upon the Green Valley. His demanding cries of "Ho, Ho, Ho" are not "jolly" until the feminine companionship he requests by it arrive at his side.

Theory Three: The Jolly Green Misunderstood Mutant
A final theory puts the Giant in the place many have been before: a misunderstood mutant misappropriated for marketing mayhem. Next time you see him, notice the slight decrescendo in his "Ho, Ho, Ho!", notice the forced smile, and notice the deep voice. They all mask the pain of a child star.

A sort of reverse Webster, the JGG is really a 2 year old boy with a giant green body. Ripped from his normal life by overeager parents looking to exploit their child for profit, he is unable to understand his fame and is destined for a future of disappointment. He began growing at an astronomical rate at age 1 when his dog brought him back a bone it had found in an old toxic waste dump. Since then he started his TV career as a stunt double (until he accidentally smashed a helicopter) and a love-interest (cross-dressed of course) until he landed the Green Valley gig. He's currently confined to a celluloid cell, contractually chained to his character and condemned to continual type-casting. One day he'll break free and seek treatment, trading his unreal "jolliness" for real, vivid human emotions he has long repressed.

What kind of voice was Dresslar Jr? Who is the Jolly Green Giant? Decide for yourself.