From Kashyyyk to Corpus Christi

Forget Mt. Rushmore, the Grand Canyon, Old Faithful, and even amber waves of grain. One of the universe's greatest natural wonders has found a new home in America. If there was ever a case for easing the barriers to immigration--it is the great Wookie, Chewbacca.

Yes, the actor that portrayed Chewie recently became an American citizen. His wife, a Texan (is that really in America?) seduced him to the wonders of the MOST BUTT-KICKIN' NATION OF LIKE ALL TIME!!! Since the actor (Peter Mayhew) is quite boring--kinda awkward, sinewy, and generally in need of a stylist--the press latched onto his more limb-ripping-capable alter ego.

But what if Chewbacca was real? What kind of job would he get here? In fact, what would other Star Wars characters do here in America? Would their lives be improved?

Chewbacca - Chewie would be the Jared of Rogaine. While not glamorous, it's a profitable way to exploit his hirsute nature. Step down: While being chased by Imperial Troops for smuggling is certainly dangerous, the inevitability of dying-on-the-inside-as-a-corporate-spokesperson is moreso.

Anakin Skywalker - Clearly would be come the next Great White Rapper. While his performance skills need a definite boost, he's got enough angst to go to 9 mile. Step up: the darkside of rapping is becoming lighter by the minute. Plus, an iced-out lightsaber would be cool.

Darth Vader - While technically Anakin, I'm separating them for the purpose of paying homage to James Earl Jones. This Dark Lord of the Sith would make a terrific fast food drive-through cashier (link with video). "Would you like to galacti-size that? (breathing noises)". Step down: MOST fast-food chains frown upon employees force-choking customers when they don't bus their own plastic trays.

Luke Skywalker - The next Gilbert Gottfried. "But I wanted to go to Tashi Station to pick up some power converters!!!" Whiney-ness personified. Step undecided: getting off of his farm on Tattoine alone would be an improvement, unless he moved to the midwest. That's right, I said it.

Princess Leia - Would immediately be pushed as the next-big-thing. Young, attractive, and has a powerful message--she'd be taught how to sing, go on tour, cut a record deal, and appear numerous times on TRL. When her hairstyle goes out of vogue she crashes hard and spends the rest of her life in a drug-addled personal hell of regret and remorse. Step down: Preferable to be tortured by Grand Moff Tarkin than end up dating Nick Carter.

Han Solo - He's destined to become a world-famous archeologist who travels the world and fights the evil Nazis while saving things that belong in museums. Step even: He still rakes in the ladies and has plenty of adventure and excitement. Of rcourse, there's a small chance he enters the LA police force as a homicide detective, in which case it'd be the second worst step down I ever saw as a movie.

Yoda - Our little green, grammatically-challenged friend would work down at the docks, unloading big cargo tankers with his mind. Definite step up from the Dagobah swamps. Also, working with mafia-tied foremen would be better than having to teach young boys how to center their minds.

Obi-Wan Kenobi - Ever the gentle soul, Obi-Wan will become a marriage counsellor. After years of solving people's problems with the wisdom of the Jedi, he will realize there is one thing missing in his life--love. Of course that love involves a young Padawan and a fetish for the rat-tail hairdon't. Step down: since his brand of passion is illegal in most states (except one or two).

Jar Jar Binks - As he eventually does in the movies, Jar Jar would become elected to the U.S. Senate. Step down: Hanging out with the likes of Pat Roberts is definitely worse than Natalie Portman.

Darth Maul - A man(?) in love with his makeup, Maul will take the logical step and go straight into the clown industry. Sadly, he'll slice more kids in half with his lightsaber than he'll make happy with his bantha-balloon animals...because that's who he is. Step down for obvious reasons.

R2D2 - R2D2 would be repurposed to refridgerate and distribute the newest Pepsi product at a heavy metal summer music festival. Step down: Having to smell the stench of a thousand sweaty kids is worse than getting zapped by blaster fire. On second thought, since R2 can't smell, it probably doesn't matter. Step even.

C3Po - Starbucks barista. The megacorp will soon begin replacing workers with robots. His encyclopedic knowledge of languages will help him understand the nuanced language of the caffeine addict and remember the exact ingredients and names of the umpteen million things on the menu. Step up: Threepio was never one for adventure and excitement. He's human-cyborg relations for chrissakes!

Senator Palpatine - He'd see the current state of affairs in politics and realize he doesn't have the potential for such corruption and skullduggery. Turning a complete 180, he'd become a high school science teacher, wowing the kids with the magic of electricity. Step up: the children are our future.

Jabba the Hutt - The great Hutt would be best suited as a car salesman, particularly for the Yukon Denali. His mafia background and slimy attitude would be perfect for the job. Secondarily, a giant SUV would be the only thing he'd be able to get around in. Step down: no Big Tent Sale Event will ever rival having Princess Leia dance for you whenever you want (and in a gold bikini nonetheless).

Boba Fett - On his way into the country, Boba would be flagged and detained by the Department of Homeland Security. Those guys don't mess around. Step down.

9 steps down, 4 steps up, 2 even/undecided. America is no friend to the galaxy far far away! I could go further, but that should be good enough to cover for the more casual Star Wars fan.