PLEASE NOTE: THIS BLOG POST IS INCOMPLETE--BUT IT SHALL BE SOON.
The debate rages onward! Abraham Lincoln, esteemed orator and log cabin builder, has been quoted in his private papers as follows.Throughout the course of human endeavor, no greater debate has been fostered than that of the pirate versus the ninja versus the robot. Brave men have joined each side of this well-concieved struggle, leaving behind a rich history of impasssioned battle. This great nation was forged therein. While brother fights brother in this epic battle, we must honor the devoted fallen by taking up the side of righteousness. America must forsake the ignoble path of the ninja and the unenduring line of the robot. We need rally beneath the Jolly Roger and live together in freedom!
Mohandas K. Gandhi spoke the following in an oft-quoted excerpt from an address to the All-India Congress in Bombay, August 7, 1942.There are people who have hatred in their hearts for the British. I have heard of people saying that they are disgusted with them. The common people's mind does not differentiate between a Britisher and the imperialist form of their government. To them both are the same.
Erase that from your hearts! Fill your heart with friendship so there is no room for hatred of your fellow man! Non-violence is a matchless weapon, which can help every one. Only if the British were ninjas or robots would violence be proper.
Stem-cell research? Meh. Boxers/Briefs? Bah! Which side of your bread to butter? Blech. Innie or outie? Ptooey.
There is one debate that silences all others. One all-consuming question, the answer to which mirrors what type of soul each individual has. The answer, when known, unlocks the secrets of the universe itself...much moreso than even the number 42. Who wins? Which group remains supreme?
Pirates Vs. Ninjas Vs. Robots ( and sometimes Clowns et al.)
Galileo measured it. Da Vinci sketched it. Newton tested it. Einstein put it into a formula. Even Billy Graham prayed about it. The answer we all know in our heart of hearts has been unearthed.
Pirates - The Scourge of the Epistemological World
In this, the second installment, I shall weigh the greatness of both Pirates and Robots like Lady Justice weighs truth. I shall show with infallible logic that Robots do not hold a flame (or a mechanical flamethrower) to the supercoolitude of Pirates.
Before I continue on to the comparison, I must assure you that this debate isn't merely theoretical. There is a war going on people. Underground...above ground...in the world around us rages a veritable maelstrom of war. Don't let your ignorance make you into another "collateral damage" statistic. Get educated! Knowing is--of course--half the battle.
Without further ado...
OUTLOOK ON LIFE
-The robot's life is one among many. The consumate part made of parts that is part of something else. There is no feeling, only work. Endless, repetitive work. The robot cannot think. The robot cannot deviate. If this, then robot that. Even the most sentient of robots still relies on their original programming and works within its parameters. When their systems and parts begin to fail, they look to their creator or master to repair them.
-Pirates, on the other hand, live for breaking boundaries--for second chances and new beginnings. Each time a pirate sets sail is different from the last. A pirate doesn't live life according to a set of rules. A pirate makes his own rules!
It is clear that pirates understand the preciousness of life. Carpe oceanum! In addition, this category clearly goes to the pirate because, well, the robot isn't even alive. Furthermore, robots are content being even the smallest part in a huge operation--they lack ambition--and they shall never be able to improve themselves.
HISTORY
-The word "robot" comes from a 1921 play "R.U.R. (Rossum's Universal Robots)" and is derived from the Czech word "robota" meaning "forced labor". Some claim that the first "robot" is the clepsydra, a water clock, made in 250 BC by the Greek physicist and inventor Ctesibius of Alexandria. An auspicious beginning--the descendents of a clock are supposed to be the greatest of all?
-Pirates have been sailing about and sowing mayhem since well before some drippy droppy timepiece was conceived. When the first humanoid held onto a log in a lake, piracy was born. For over three thousand years pirates have been the heroes of literature, culture, politics, and romance. I dare you to show me one robot that was a hero in any one of those!
When you are talking about the wide expanse of history, there are a few constants in the world. Pirates are one of them. Pirates are wont to tell their tales of ribaldry and skullduggery. A robot cares not for the past or the future, only the task at hand. Therefore the great timeline of history shall e'er be rich with piratical tales and scant rumors of robotic deeds. Check-a-roonie to the pirate.
PURPOSE
-Robots are programmed to do something. Usually one task. They are limited in their ability to adapt by the code imbedded in them. Their purpose is to serve humans.
-The Pirate does whatever the hell he wants. His purpose is open to interpretation and revision. It isn't limited by borders!
While Robots might fulfill their "purpose" quickly and efficiently, it is necessarily a more limited purpose than the Pirate's. Some may say that a Pirate only exists to pillage, swig down a bottle of rum, or pillage, in reality the Piratical purpose is a complex mix of emotionally-driven goals that are bequethed upon them by their own imaginations, the smell of the salty sea in the air, and an occasional suggestion from their parrotical companion. Viva la' Pirates.
BATTLE CRY
-Beep boop boop beep.
-Yaaaaaarrrrr!!!! (accompanied by the din of cannon shot and sabre-rattling)
Hands down, Pirate. Few Robots make enough noise to drown out a mouse's whisper.
ENVIRONMENT
-Robots can exist in any environment, although they don't do so well in molten lava or underwater.
-Pirates don't need to go to the moon. They ride waves of magma on ships made of magical wood, laughing heartily at the puniness of the earth's rawest power. They could easily dive down many leagues to fetch a huge pearl out of the monstrous maw of a giant oyester. But they don't need to. They just steal that pearl from someone else who dove in.
Pirates barely edge out the Robots. Surviving on the moon is cool and all, but riding molten waves is a tad bit cooler.
DIET
-Oil and electricity is the diet of a Robot.
-Pirates enjoy the greatest foods from all of this planet's cultures. Any place they can land their ships they find culinary inspiration. You think neo-Japanese is good, try Italo-Cuban fusion!
Not only is a pirate's diet more tasty than that of a Robot, but it's also free. Electricity and oil cost a whole helluva lot more than a snatched mango thanks to Enron.
MODUS OPERANDI
-Robots have a designated path and designated motion. Whatever the 1s and 0s say to them they do. Usually that's putting cars together on an assembly line. The rare (1 in a billion) robot might get to go check out a suspicious glowing item and sacrifice its own existence because the human guiding it is dumb.
-Pirates go hither and yon, in search of adventure. They pillage. They drink rum. They live the life few do and many dream of. They face the harshest of conditions and relax in the most tropical of climes. They experience life to the fullest by attacking it head on. They are unstoppable hommes di vivre. Their MO is in your face 24 seven. They don't give a wharf rat's bottom if you are in their way or not.
Without any real morality of their own or without the ability to adapt to anything thrown at them independent of their programming, the MO of your typical robot pales in comparision to that of your typical pirate. Its just not fair.
MORE TO COME!!!
WEAPONRY
FASHION
ACCESSORIES
UNDERLINGS
COMPANIONSHIP
OTHER ENEMIES
METHOD OF AUTOCIDE
WEAKNESSES
MANO E ROBOTO BATTLE
THE COURSE OF WAR
FAMOUS INDIVIDUALS THROUGHOUT HISTORY
SUMMARY
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