Nedstradamus

A miner in Chiapas found a teeny tiny tree frog that had been perserved in amber for about 25 million years. 25 million years in amber. I guess it's better than tar.

So I got to thinking...

I will obviously become fully encased and preserved in amber (see above). Around the time I die carbonite will be in high demand, causing "Ambering" to be a cheap alternative.

What will I find when I'm finally chiseled or lasered from my sticky, goldesque prison--25 million years in the future (give or take a few)? Here are a few possibilities. DO NOT DOUBT MY PRECOGNITIVE ABILITIES, FOR I FORSEE YOUR FUTURE POSSIBLY NOT INVOLVING MY FIST AND YOUR FACE...SHOULD YOU PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT!

Back to Nedstradamus' predictions.

• Tiny Tree Frogs will free me from my Amber prison with Tiny Tree Tools, having taken over the entire field of Science by finally learning to communicate with us. They begin their careers in science by dissecting humans in 8th grade. Oh, the irony
• Sean Connery will still be widely considered the best James Bond
  
• Michael Jackson will look black again (it's a cyclical thing, not an irreversible trend like many have thought), being the only person of our generation to live for that long without carbonite or ambering because his body is made entirely of plastic. He rules as Los Angeles' Eldest King alongside Pamela Anderson's breasts.
• Flying cars are widely available, but are on the decline thanks to the new vehicle fad--the Burrowmobile
• We discover an alien race who shares a single sentience. Its name is "Tom" and it is short for Thomas.
• Protesting the decline of American morality is still popular--septexuals are the primary target
• The Jedi came and went -- their lightsabers were as cool as everyone imagined they would be
• Half of the world economy depends on the outcome of nightly Texas Hold'Em games
• Mexican food has completely taken over American cuisine and its resulting methane has completely overtaken the fuel industry
• Denmark really is rotten, about 2 feet beneath the surface

La vida intelligent?

SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico (AP) -- Ricky Martin, who was a headliner at the 2001 inauguration ball for President George W. Bush, has a message for the American commander in chief about war.

At a recent concert, the 35-year-old singer stuck up his middle finger when he sang the president's name in his song "Asignatura Pendiente," which includes the words, "a photo with Bush." The gesture last Friday prompted cheers from thousands of fans in the San Juan stadium.

On Thursday, the Puerto Rican heartthrob repeated his criticism of the Iraq war and explained his changed position on Bush.

"My convictions of peace and life go beyond any government and political agenda and as long as I have a voice onstage and offstage, I will always condemn war and those who promulgate it," Martin said about his action in an e-mail statement sent to The Associated Press via a spokesman.

~~~~~

Amen to that, Mr. Martin.

Every breath I take

..Jon Stewart is watching me? More animated giffy goodness. That's right, I've gone bonkers! Following my post on Hannidate.com, the Daily Show once again steals my thunder on a televisioniacal stage. Last night held a report by Jason Jones. Check out the Must Love Dogma link on this page.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Indeed. And I love the rest of ya'll too.

Piratical Dominance Chapter II: Nuts and Bolts-Robots Are Screwed

(shortcut to Chapter I, wherein I discuss the merits of swashbuckling and the demerits of sneakitude in reference to the hierarchical order of the almighty Pirate and the dastardly Ninja)

PLEASE NOTE: THIS BLOG POST IS INCOMPLETE--BUT IT SHALL BE SOON.
The debate rages onward! Abraham Lincoln, esteemed orator and log cabin builder, has been quoted in his private papers as follows.

Throughout the course of human endeavor, no greater debate has been fostered than that of the pirate versus the ninja versus the robot. Brave men have joined each side of this well-concieved struggle, leaving behind a rich history of impasssioned battle. This great nation was forged therein. While brother fights brother in this epic battle, we must honor the devoted fallen by taking up the side of righteousness. America must forsake the ignoble path of the ninja and the unenduring line of the robot. We need rally beneath the Jolly Roger and live together in freedom!
Mohandas K. Gandhi spoke the following in an oft-quoted excerpt from an address to the All-India Congress in Bombay, August 7, 1942.

There are people who have hatred in their hearts for the British. I have heard of people saying that they are disgusted with them. The common people's mind does not differentiate between a Britisher and the imperialist form of their government. To them both are the same.

Erase that from your hearts! Fill your heart with friendship so there is no room for hatred of your fellow man! Non-violence is a matchless weapon, which can help every one. Only if the British were ninjas or robots would violence be proper.

Stem-cell research? Meh. Boxers/Briefs? Bah! Which side of your bread to butter? Blech. Innie or outie? Ptooey.

There is one debate that silences all others. One all-consuming question, the answer to which mirrors what type of soul each individual has. The answer, when known, unlocks the secrets of the universe itself...much moreso than even the number 42. Who wins? Which group remains supreme?

Pirates Vs. Ninjas Vs. Robots ( and sometimes Clowns et al.)

Galileo measured it. Da Vinci sketched it. Newton tested it. Einstein put it into a formula. Even Billy Graham prayed about it. The answer we all know in our heart of hearts has been unearthed.

Pirates - The Scourge of the Epistemological World

In this, the second installment, I shall weigh the greatness of both Pirates and Robots like Lady Justice weighs truth. I shall show with infallible logic that Robots do not hold a flame (or a mechanical flamethrower) to the supercoolitude of Pirates.

Before I continue on to the comparison, I must assure you that this debate isn't merely theoretical. There is a war going on people. Underground...above ground...in the world around us rages a veritable maelstrom of war. Don't let your ignorance make you into another "collateral damage" statistic. Get educated! Knowing is--of course--half the battle.

Without further ado...

OUTLOOK ON LIFE
-The robot's life is one among many. The consumate part made of parts that is part of something else. There is no feeling, only work. Endless, repetitive work. The robot cannot think. The robot cannot deviate. If this, then robot that. Even the most sentient of robots still relies on their original programming and works within its parameters. When their systems and parts begin to fail, they look to their creator or master to repair them.

-Pirates, on the other hand, live for breaking boundaries--for second chances and new beginnings. Each time a pirate sets sail is different from the last. A pirate doesn't live life according to a set of rules. A pirate makes his own rules!

It is clear that pirates understand the preciousness of life. Carpe oceanum! In addition, this category clearly goes to the pirate because, well, the robot isn't even alive. Furthermore, robots are content being even the smallest part in a huge operation--they lack ambition--and they shall never be able to improve themselves.

HISTORY
-The word "robot" comes from a 1921 play "R.U.R. (Rossum's Universal Robots)" and is derived from the Czech word "robota" meaning "forced labor". Some claim that the first "robot" is the clepsydra, a water clock, made in 250 BC by the Greek physicist and inventor Ctesibius of Alexandria. An auspicious beginning--the descendents of a clock are supposed to be the greatest of all?

-Pirates have been sailing about and sowing mayhem since well before some drippy droppy timepiece was conceived. When the first humanoid held onto a log in a lake, piracy was born. For over three thousand years pirates have been the heroes of literature, culture, politics, and romance. I dare you to show me one robot that was a hero in any one of those!

When you are talking about the wide expanse of history, there are a few constants in the world. Pirates are one of them. Pirates are wont to tell their tales of ribaldry and skullduggery. A robot cares not for the past or the future, only the task at hand. Therefore the great timeline of history shall e'er be rich with piratical tales and scant rumors of robotic deeds. Check-a-roonie to the pirate.

PURPOSE
-Robots are programmed to do something. Usually one task. They are limited in their ability to adapt by the code imbedded in them. Their purpose is to serve humans.

-The Pirate does whatever the hell he wants. His purpose is open to interpretation and revision. It isn't limited by borders!

While Robots might fulfill their "purpose" quickly and efficiently, it is necessarily a more limited purpose than the Pirate's. Some may say that a Pirate only exists to pillage, swig down a bottle of rum, or pillage, in reality the Piratical purpose is a complex mix of emotionally-driven goals that are bequethed upon them by their own imaginations, the smell of the salty sea in the air, and an occasional suggestion from their parrotical companion. Viva la' Pirates.

BATTLE CRY
-Beep boop boop beep.

-Yaaaaaarrrrr!!!! (accompanied by the din of cannon shot and sabre-rattling)

Hands down, Pirate. Few Robots make enough noise to drown out a mouse's whisper.

ENVIRONMENT
-Robots can exist in any environment, although they don't do so well in molten lava or underwater.

-Pirates don't need to go to the moon. They ride waves of magma on ships made of magical wood, laughing heartily at the puniness of the earth's rawest power. They could easily dive down many leagues to fetch a huge pearl out of the monstrous maw of a giant oyester. But they don't need to. They just steal that pearl from someone else who dove in.

Pirates barely edge out the Robots. Surviving on the moon is cool and all, but riding molten waves is a tad bit cooler.

DIET
-Oil and electricity is the diet of a Robot.

-Pirates enjoy the greatest foods from all of this planet's cultures. Any place they can land their ships they find culinary inspiration. You think neo-Japanese is good, try Italo-Cuban fusion!

Not only is a pirate's diet more tasty than that of a Robot, but it's also free. Electricity and oil cost a whole helluva lot more than a snatched mango thanks to Enron.

MODUS OPERANDI
-Robots have a designated path and designated motion. Whatever the 1s and 0s say to them they do. Usually that's putting cars together on an assembly line. The rare (1 in a billion) robot might get to go check out a suspicious glowing item and sacrifice its own existence because the human guiding it is dumb.

-Pirates go hither and yon, in search of adventure. They pillage. They drink rum. They live the life few do and many dream of. They face the harshest of conditions and relax in the most tropical of climes. They experience life to the fullest by attacking it head on. They are unstoppable hommes di vivre. Their MO is in your face 24 seven. They don't give a wharf rat's bottom if you are in their way or not.

Without any real morality of their own or without the ability to adapt to anything thrown at them independent of their programming, the MO of your typical robot pales in comparision to that of your typical pirate. Its just not fair.


MORE TO COME!!!

WEAPONRY

FASHION

ACCESSORIES

UNDERLINGS

COMPANIONSHIP

OTHER ENEMIES

METHOD OF AUTOCIDE

WEAKNESSES

MANO E ROBOTO BATTLE

THE COURSE OF WAR

FAMOUS INDIVIDUALS THROUGHOUT HISTORY

SUMMARY

Warning: Bleeding Heart Satire!

You know when you get a streak of things you want to write about? Well I'm in the middle of one. During my commute to Stone Mountain I like to listen to NPR until Lois Reitzes starts chiming in with her strange voice for Second Cup Concert. Then it is into enemy territory for me, WSB 750--home of Boortz, Hannity, and assorted other ridiculous talking heads.

I am learning a lot about debating--which I'd lost since my complete domination of policy debate for one year using the Cuban Health Care System as a comprehensive solution to America's health care. They twist, wriggle, gyrate, and duck questions and topics in ways I couldn't possibly imagine. And I can imagine quite a bit. Deflection and deferment -- freaking oratory Criss Angels. About 45 minutes yesterday on my way home I learned it was un-American to call our government and its activities in Iraq oppressive. Does that mean that Martin Luther King was un-American because he felt like America was systematically oppressing black people?

One of the MAJOR OUTRAGES yesterday in the Senate and on WSB 750 was that Nancy Pelosi (second in line to the Presidency mind you), had requested a larger plane be at her disposal. Well, it turns out that today, she had nothing to do with the request--it was actually the Senate's Sergeant-at-Arms (does he carry a guisarme?) who was concerned about security on a plane that had to make a refueling stop between Washington and her district in California. Bigger plane = bigger gas tank. I hopped on the website to see if I could find an apology for wasting vital radio waves with such a tirade that turned out not to be true. After all, I've heard countless promises that if a listener or guest could possibly ever prove that they were fallible in an argument that they would publicly apologize and accept the guest/listener's viewpoint.

Well, such was obviously not the case. I'm sure I'll hear some contortionism on the way home about how they were really talking about some other subject etc etc...

HOWEVER, during my search I found my new stomach-churning site. It's not full of surgery pictures, deformed animals, or war reporting. It's Hannidate.com.

Hannidate.com

Yep, Hannidate.com

Apparently nothing turns on Conservatives more than the idea of being fixed up by a website born of Sean Hannity. Nothing says lifelong commitment like Sean Hannity. Nothing says soul mate (not soul-mate) like Sean Hannity. They'd be better off if it was Hannidate.com.

Well, luckily for you, my silent but loyal blog reader, there's a featured profile. I end this post with the text of said profile.

Warning: Bleeding Heart Satire! I'm totally projecting all of my (some fake but all outrageous) anti-conservative prejudices on this poor soul just looking for love. So please take my [non linked commentary] lightly. Take my linking "comments" as you will. All in good fun.

Looking for my Annie Oakley [see above pic]
Member Name: TwoAlpha
Member ID: T001646
Caucasian / White, 27, Single - Never Married [darn, could have been 4/4 if he'd been divorced thrice] Los Alamos, New Mexico
United States

Personal Details
Gender: Male
Age: 27 (28-Nov-1979)
Race: Caucasian / White
Marital Status: Single - Never Married
Children: 0
Religion: Christian / Catholic
Drinking: Socially
Smoking: Cigar
Food: German
Occupation: Engineering
Education: Bachelors degree
Languages: English (Fluent)
French (Minimal)
Interests: Volunteer / Charity
Travel / Sightseeing
Sailing / Boating
Religion
Politics
Nature
Music - Rock
Music - Dance / Electronic
Music - Country
Music - Classical / Opera
Music - Blues/Jazz [yeah right]
Museums / Galleries [yeah right part two]
Movies / Cinema
Hiking / Camping
Football / Soccer / Rugby
Food and Wine
Cycling
Cooking
Computers / Internet
Cars / Motorcycles
Billiards / Pool / Darts
Baseball / Softball
Athletics
Eye Colour: Green
Hair Colour: Light Brown
Body Type: Average
Height: 6'00" - (183 cm)

General Information
Hello there. Well first off I'll say that I'm on here
because I truly would like to meet a conservative, like
minded woman. I'm big into the outdooors. I like hiking,
camping, fishing, hunting, shooting and a lazy day at the
lake. Of course there has to be balance and I'm just as at
home watching a movie, cooking dinner for a special someone,
going out to eat or playing pool at the bar. I'm also a
competitive shooter (only pistol at the moment but looking
to expand) and I enjoy it immensely. If you've never gone
shooting before I suggest you give it a try. It's a blast,
pun intended of course! I'm close to my family and I
certainly enjoy traveling with them. I like to see new
places and I'm a museum junkie. Learning about history is
something I enjoy very much. The more I learn the more I
realize the problems society has today are certainly nothing
new. I've got a very good sense of humor and enjoy
laughing. The only thing I enjoy more than laughing is
putting a smile on someone's face. I suppose you could say
that my humor is a combination of wit, sarcasm, nerdiness
and sometimes a little raunchiness. No need to hold back
when you're trying to make someone laugh! My dad is a
veterinarian so I'm a sucker for animals. I'm a dog lover
and horses come a close second. I haven't ridden horses in a
while and my apartment complex doesn't allow dogs so I try
and get my dose of animals whenever I can. Usually that's
when I visit my family. I'm an engineer at a laboratory
and I really enjoy my job. I suppose I'm a little nerdy at
times but my job doesn't define who I am. I try and leave
work at work and enjoy myself to the fullest when I don't
have to work.

Appearance
I'm 6 feet tall and about 225lbs. I spend some time in the
gym because I enjoy being strong and in shape. I'm not some
body builder or Abercrombie model, just a regular guy that
can easily move furniture and other heavy things. I find
that women like it when they have a guy that can that for
them. I suppose I'm a regular handyman. I don't dress up
too often since I usually end up getting dirty because of my
job and hobbies. At work it's usually overalls or ****ies
pants with a t-shirt. I will dress nicely for church, dates
and other special occasions. As for facial hair I
usually go through phases. I'll grow a goatee, shave it off.
Grow a mustache, shave it off. A little variety never hurt.
If you don't like facial hair then just wait a couple weeks,
it'll change.


Looking for
It's hard to quantify what I'm looking for. Some basics are
in order though. I'm looking for a conservative woman who
shares some of my hobbies with me. She should be witty and
have a great sense of humor. Intelligent conversation is
always enjoyed and I like a woman who has something to say
whether I agree with it or not. Of course if we're on the
same conservative wavelength I wouldn't think that there
would be too many disagreements. A friend at first is what
I'm looking for and come what may after we get to know each
other. I'm Catholic and that's a big part of my life. I
certainly don't require that of the woman I'm looking for,
just a good Christian grounding.
Gender: Female
Age From: 21
Age To: 30

"It's Trimspiracy, Baby!"

The octogenarian billionaire world is still reeling (vid link;) from what might eventually prove to be a Sizemore-esque ending to Anna Nicole Smith's life. She lived fast, skanky, fat, then skinny. She died youngish.

She rose from relative obscurity as Vickie Lynn Hogan, the perfect small town heroine from Mexia, Texas. Quintessentially hick, she married a 17 year old Billy Smith when she was 16, having fallen in love while working together at Jim's Krispy Fried Chicken. As much as you think that's a joke, here's the punchline--her parents are named Donald Eugene and Virgie Mae Tabers (20 and 16 respectively when birthing her). As we all know, the stars at night are big and bright...and a year later out popped D. Wayne Smith.

Her path took her ever upwards, working at a strip club named Gigi's in Houston. There she met elderly oil billionaire (and decidedly non-hick-named) J. Howard Marshall. Some lapdances were exchanged and love was in the air in the champagne room for the first time ever.

Two years later, in 1993, Billy say bye bye because Billy have no billions of bucks. 13 months later J. Howard Marshall changed his name to J. Howard Tuhlip-Poosher. In that same year she was Playmate of the Year, which apparently means you are superfamous for the rest of eternity.

She soon fought E. Pierce Marshall (also non-hick-named) for the inheritance. Here's another punchline or two from Wikipedia...

"The U.S. Supreme Court decided in September 2005 to hear the appeal of that decision. The Bush administration subsequently directed the Solicitor General to intercede on Smith's behalf out of an interest to expand federal court jurisdiction over state probate disputes.

After months of waiting, Smith and her stepson Pierce learned of the Supreme Court's decision on May 1, 2006. The justices unanimously decided in favor of Smith; Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg wrote the majority opinion. (See Marshall v. Marshall)The decision did not give Smith a portion of her husband's estate, but affirmed her right to pursue a share of it in federal court. "

You read that right. Supreme Court. She went before the Supreme Court. Clarence Thomas was undoubtedly elated.

A film and television "career" was had. She Oprahed back and forth. She met another man with an initial as part of his name. Her son O.D.'d. Sad stuff.

I make fun of this poor, confused, and elevated woman because she constantly did. I'm not saying that as if I know her, but when you put your best boobs forward, you're going to be the butt of many jokes.

BUT IS THERE A DARKER SECRET HERE?

What do David Beckham and Marky Mark's love child have to do with it (see above)? Is he protecting her now that she knows the inner secrets of the Bush Administration and the veiled inner-workings of the Supreme Court? Or is he paired with ZZ Top (above as well) to kill her with a lethal overdose of Trimspa? Is Jenny Craig behind it all (not pictured above). She was found at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, FL--perhaps the first step in vengeance for the Trail of Tears? Watch out Jenny McCarthy!

All things to think about, or not.

Space Headlines

It started with the greatest headline of all times.

N*SYNC's Lance trains to be "Basstronaut"

and now we're given this?

Funny side of "astro-nut" "lust in space"

Is it the weightfullness of not-space here on Earth that slowly pulls apart reporters brains and forces them into wacky-mode while talking about space travel? Is it the vastness of our cosmos and their inability to wrap their puny minds around the concept?

Does it take a rocket scientist to avoid puns about astronauts?

I'm fully willing to concede that the two above situations are absolutely ridiculous. A boy-band member going into space! An astronaut attempting to kidnap/murder a fellow astronaut because of jealousy over the affections of the pilot! Both deserve exclamations marks!

I did a little (made up) research into the history of reporting on space. Here are some other headlines ripped from the past...

In the Sputnik of time - first sattelite launched

All for cosmonaut! US lag behind Commies in space race

Showtime at the Apollo 13 - Nearly Booed Off Course

Challenger? I barely knew her! (poor taste, I know)

Glenn depends on Depends in space for second trip

The Bearded One

Chuck Norris "Trailer".

Just passing it along.

Department of Dumbland Security

Ignignokt: Using a key to gouge expletives on another's vehicle is a sign of trust and friendship.

Boston Police Commissioner Edward Davis called it "unconscionable" that the marketing campaign was executed in a post 9/11 era. "It's a foolish prank on the part of Turner Broadcasting," he said. "In the environment nowadays ... we really have to look at the motivation of the company here and why this happened."

"These devices looked like a bomb."

This is what we sow when we have terror warnings and "what ifs" every night on the news. This is what constant talk of "terrorism" in our midst brings us--fearful paralysis and a lack of imagination. This is what happens when our president doesn't talk about Katrina in the state of the union and focuses entirely on fighting terrorism.

This is a real fake bomb.

READER! WATCH OUT FOR THESE NEAR BOMBS!
(trust me, they were like sooo close to getting them--
of course they could be made into "dirty bombs"...
do I have proof? Um... I blame nameless analyst #47312344)

SADDAM'S ALUMINUM TUBES

YELLOW CAKE FROM AFRICA!
This, also, is not a bomb--it is Lite-Brite.

I think he meant to say..."Tha Bomb"

It reminds me of this, somehow.